I Don’t Get to Choose How I Connect Each Day

Having studied all the emotional psychological connections with what I feel in my body, that I can, plus all my reactions to the way I see the spectrum, I am now convinced that I don’t get to choose how I connect each day.

I thought I could heal and become all things I wanted – to be open- hearted, enjoy intimacy, give my gifts to world, have a strong powerful voice, follow my vision, be happy to be vulnerable, work with my cycles and rhythms and find where I belong.

And I have achieved all these things to a point. But it wasn’t the point I was dreaming of! I thought if I could become whole, I could just get on with things!

But wholeness isn’t all about me. I can’t be whole by myself. It isn’t possible. So God made me really sensitive to the light spectrum just to make sure I knew that!

But, ever ambitious, I have had a similar attitude with the light spectrum, almost expecting to be able to outsmart my reaction to it. After all, if I don’t perceive enough yellow light, then I just need to be a bit more open-hearted. If I don’t perceive enough green light, then I just need to ask for a bit more support.

But how far can this new insight take me, I wondered?

If I just open my heart, could I get on the next plane to the Middle East and help refugees?

If I just let in trillions of support, could I foster a houseful of children?

If I do everything I can to make myself feel really secure, could I jump out of a plane?

Aaaargghhh!! NO, I CAN’T

I can heal myself, which I have done, but now I have to be part of the world. I don’t perceive enough red light in February so I don’t even feel grounded enough to bake a batch of biscuits, let alone jump out of a plane! I can’t make myself feel grounded. I can only do things that help to give me a greater feeling of security.

I can’t make myself feel anything. I can only be open to feeling. I don’t get to choose how I can connect each day!

What is ‘My Balanced’ ?

balance stones

Working with the light I get a real feeling for how much of our ‘balanced’ or ‘not balanced’ state is dependent on our relationship with our environment.

If I perceive a lot of violet light I can feel intuitive to the point of feeling dazed. If I perceive a lot of yellow light I can feel emotionally connected to the point of feeling teary and overly vulnerable.

But what if I perceive the light as balanced?

Well, I will take you through my experience of the spectrum.

RED – I feel quite secure and quite grounded but still prefer to have people around me.

ORANGE – I feel outspoken and comfortable asking for my needs but I have a lot of words unsaid – still inside of me – because I don’t have the opportunity or know who or where to speak them.

YELLOW – I feel emotionally connected, finding it easy to give and receive love, but then there is a lot of love that I am not sure what to do with. It doesn’t necessarily translate into making cups of tea or ironing someone’s shirt or even a hug or ‘I love you’. No – it feels bigger than those things.

GREEN – I just about manage to digest the knowledge that I am in a fact a visionary and I am raising a visionary. My head feels full of doubts and questions and a certain amount of fear but I am able to quell these and press on quite well.

BLUE – I feel single minded and full of determination whilst at the same time trusting others to help me and support me. I am however very feisty and ‘do not suffer fools gladly’. Just to add another saying ‘I call a spade a spade!’

INDIGO – I find it possible to let go and be myself without too much second guessing. Fears, doubts and questions do still flutter around quite a lot though.

VIOLET – I run with my intuition. If I think of something random to do I do it without too many questions – like this blog post. I know it feels better to run and not look around too much. My fear of my intensity is the biggest block to really letting go.

So, this is ‘my balanced’ and in many ways it doesn’t sound very balanced at all! But as a human, a visionary and a person trying to embrace my vulnerability and be real, this is as balanced as I get. Maybe I should learn to be happy with it!

I wonder what your ‘balanced’ is?

 

balance stones