Today I woke up worrying about random things!
As I said in a previous post I have tried many diets from the free from food! to the anti-candida and fodmap and none of them have really worked.
I have had to really scratch my head when it comes to eating. Some days I feel I can easily eat my oat biscuits and drink my berry juice and other days my body seems to go into some sort of resistance and not want these things. Some days I have even had unpleasant symptoms just drinking a small glass of highland spring water. And on days when I have eaten what I felt would be the best for me I have often felt my worst.
Then I discovered my reaction to colour and texture and over time I have been piecing together how my changing tastes correlate with the changing light. This has been revolutionary.
My Diet Today
I started my day as usual with Green and Black’s dark chocolate! It is the only thing I feel I can digest first thing in the morning and seems to calm my gut so that I am ready to eat more foods a little later. Now I had a choice of the 70% standard or 70% velvet edition! Yes, G & B have bought out a smoother chocolate. This choice was a very important one because the standard is crunchy and feels more acidic and the velvet one is smoother and feels less acidic. I looked out of the window, saw the light was ‘blue’ and chose the smooth one. Ahh – good choice
An hour later I was hungry again and by now the light was getting brighter. My need for ‘crunch’ has started so I turned to my Nairns oat biscuits. They have just the right crunch and just the right amount and I can add a little fat with some butter and a little sweetness with a tiny amount of strawberry jam.. I was satisfied once again until I realised I was thirsty! And I had another choice to make – a red berry juice with more strawberries in or a darker purple berry juice with more blackcurrants? The red juice wasn’t calling to me today and the colour of the darker juice seemed to resonate with me more so I chose the darker juice. Ah – it has a smoother more velvety taste that the red one – again, right choice.
A little later in the morning I was hungry again! Now sometimes late morning I have a real taste for some sourdough bread. This really fills me up until lunch time. However today I felt resistant to it and even though I tried to eat it, I decided it wasn’t right for me so stopped. I looked out of the window and saw that the light hadn’t really balanced as it sometimes does by this time of day. It still appeared ‘more blue’. So I decided to have more ginger oatcakes. Although that would be raising my sugar levels I knew instinctively that I would digest them fine and I did.
So, next stop lunch. In June my lunches are a bit limited and this is mostly due to my reaction to colour and texture. I see blue in green which means I avoid green vegetables except courgettes because they are two-toned! I see green in brown meat so I only eat chicken and pork. I can’t do ‘crisp’ even though I can do ‘crunchy’ so don’t choose chips. I can’t do ‘super soft’ even though I can do ‘smooth’ so I don’t choose fish. Today’s meal was pork marinaded in herbs, griddled courgette and red pepper and new potatoes. Yum – all nice and easy to digest.
Then in the afternoon I revisited ‘crunchy’ with a couple more oat biscuits and revisited ‘smooth’ with a bit more chocolate before I arrived at tea-time. By this time of day the blue and violet light is dropping away and usually I perceive more red light. This means I am happier eating softer food so my tea was home-made sourdough bread, butter, strawberry spread and sheep’s cheese. I completed this a with little more juice and a tablespoon of kefir. And well . . . a few more squares of standard, less smooth chocolate in the evening!
So . . . I eat according to the light and how this makes me feel about colour and texture. And it works.
We need to eat the food that matches us and resonates with us. Why don’t you talk to your gut and give it a go!
So . . I have tried many diets to heal my gut. I have tried the ‘free from most things’ diet, the anti-candida diet and most recently the FODMAP diet.
I thought the FODMAP diet might really be my solution as I definitely have an issue with fermentation but when on a day when I had all ‘safe’ food and still didn’t feel well, I lost faith.
This has always been the same with diets for my gut. There always seems to be something else underlying my gut problems – not always just to related to the food I eat.
I have some theories:
Candida (yeast infection)
This always seems to coincide with my having an issue about some need not being met. Maybe I am not giving myself something I need or not allowing something in from other people. It feels like I am under attack from my feelings and unresolved needs. It happens in the Spring when I perceive more violet light and I have a lot of intuitive energy but I don’t feel so open hearted because I am not perceiving enough yellow light.
This feels very similar to Candida except it happens straight after I eat. It seems to coincide with my feeling that I have more energy than I can express. It feels as if there is too much energy in my gut and it is trying to burn itself up. It happens in the Summer when the blue light is prevalent and I have a lot of single-minded energy but don’t feel so secure due to my not perceiving enough red light.
Have you ever wondered if there might be something else going on under your gut problem?
Today I feel that nothing is right.
It isn’t right to be outspoken and it isn’t right to keep quiet
It isn’t right to be with people and it isn’t right to be alone
It isn’t even right to be right and it certainly isn’t right to be wrong!!
There is a lot of blue light today making giving me gritty determination to push forward my own ideas. However there is less red light so I feel less secure in myself and my ideas. The two feelings clash and confuse and confound me.
I didn’t grow up living by the light. I grew up like most other people getting up in the morning, thinking about what I was going to do, where I was going to go and then trying to fulfil my plan for the day. I was completely oblivious to the light and how it might be making me feel.
But now I do live by the light and today I was thinking about how difficult it is to live in a way that feels so different and unusual. Then I wondered what it would have been like if I had grown up believing that it was a completely usual things to do.
I imagined having a conversation with my mother when I was 3 and this is how it went.
Mum – Jennie, come with me and look out of the window and tell me what you see.
Me – I see houses and trees and the sky.
Mum – And what colour are they?
Me – The houses are red, the trees are green and the sky is blue.
Mum – Do you see anything else? Can you see the light? Is there another colour out there?
Me – Well, there is a sort of funny blue feeling
Mum – Ah, you see blue. And does it make you feel something?
Me – it makes me feel cuddly
Mum – How do think you would feel outside today?
Me – Not sure, maybe a bit lonely.
Mum – I see. Well, light is very important. We all live by the light. You know the sun is very important and the moon?
Me – Yes
Mum – Well, the light makes us feel different ways. It can make you have different moods. And it makes you choose different coloured clothes and eat different food. So we don’t all do the same thing every day. We all have to live by the light to really feel good.
Me – Oh, I see, so that is why I chose my blue dress today. it wasn’t really me. it was the light!
Mum – Yes, Exactly!
It’s June and I thought June was about lunches at the garden and picnics at the beach but not always for me.
As a light-watcher my perception is that June can be a bit too blue! I go off my green veggies and brown meat and feel glad this year that our home is neutral and that I don’t have to do my usual trick of taking pictures off the wall and removing patterned table-cloths!
How Do I Feel?
I am finding it hard to feel connected to myself or anyone or anything. My defualt position is to just try to carry on with life and in the most part shut people out. When there is less yellow light I can feel detached too but that is a different type of detachment. I still seem to find it easy to trust that the connection is there. In the blue light, though, that trust is wavering.
I Feel Lonely
I feel as if I am the only person in the world right now.
I Feel my Pain
I feel all the pain that I haven’t been feeling the rest of year about being me and having all my ridiculous sensitivities and I feel it really head on. Usually I am incredibly positive and can always squeeze out the best in a difficult situation but right now I am struggling with this.
I Hate Asking for Help
I hate asking for help at the best of times but right now I really hate asking for help. It is as if those words “Please . . . ” grate on me and it is hard to get them out. Perceiving less red light I just don’t feel so secure in relationship and it is really hard to trust that someone wants to help me.
What Do I Do?
I have to dig even deeper into my ‘spiritual’ resource. If I can’t find what I need at the surface then this is where I go. I wonder what spiritual quality I need to help me through this time. And the word that keeps coming to me is ‘surrender.’
I need to surrender because I just can’t work it all out and make it all fine at the moment. I need to remember that ultimately I am not in control – God is.
The last couple of days we have had high white cloud and I always perceive a lot of violet in this light. I perceive less of the lower and middle frequencies which makes me feel quite un-grounded and very buoyant!
In this light I have thousands of words in my head! It is like endless torrents and waterfalls of things that must be said. My heart feels wide open and my thinking gains a clarity that I don’t experience in any other light. My son (11) is the same. After a long day on the computer he comes down, eyes bright and full of ideas and opinions and feelings which he must express. I only see this energy in him now – in the middle of the summer.
What Do I Do?
Well, in the past, the bright light has meant ‘Hide’ quick, hide yourself away before you do anything silly and say anything ridiculous and bore anybody or offend anybody.’ And I literally have hidden from the light (sat on the settee with my hands covering my face) and hidden from myself (have spoken nothing and been completely mute).
However, this year, I feel a change in myself. I won’t hide any more. If this is the light when I feel the most energy then I am going to feel that energy. I am going to express that energy. I am going to follow that energy wherever it takes me even if it is to the ends of the earth and back.
I will not be frightened of my own energy any longer.
Are you frightened of yours’ ?
This is a sequel to my previous post ‘Some Days I Just Don’t Feel Much’
Some days I feel way too much. I get up in the morning and immediately I feel emotional. This morning I felt emotional when I couldn’t find my lists on the Waitrose website! I can feel emotional just trying to choose whether I should write an e-mail or put the washing on first!
I feel everything more sensory-wise too. I noticed the softness of the water on my hands when I washed them this morning. I noticed how hard my sandals felt on my feet. The car seemed to be faster and bumpier than usual and the hygienist (which was my destination) – well don’t get me started . . .!
On days like today my head seems to whir with thoughts and my heart seems to buzz with feelings. When I talk to people I want to express so much and suddenly realise the limitation of words. When I have spoken to people I think of how our conversation could have been more meaningful or how I could have been more transparent. Nothing seems to satisfy my intense desire for connection. My husband can give my a demonstrative squeeze but seconds later that feeling has gone – blown away on the wind.
Just as much as seeing less yellow light can cause me to feel less, my perception of seeing more yellow light can cause me to feel deep deep feeling. It could be that I perceive more yellow light or it could be that I perceive less of other frequencies such as red, and relatively yellow seems more intense.
What Do I Do?
Firstly I accept my deep feeling self
Then I do anything that satisfies my need to feel deeply, recognising that this isn’t always easy especially if you really need to make a Waitrose order! This is why I was looking for my lists – because I wanted to engage more deeply with our family’s needs. I knew this would make me happier than just randomly shopping or shopping with a list.
And most importantly I trust that I am giving and receiving enough even though it doesn’t feel that way. I accept that the insatiable hunger for emotional connection is a sense – a feeling. My feeling of unsatisfied need today is not the truth.
The truth is that I am enough and I have enough and that my heart is the wellspring of life always.
Some days I just don’t feel much. I wouldn’t say I was depressed because depression probably leads us to cut ourselves off from the world and our loved ones. I still very much connected with most of myself and the world.
But on days like this I look at my husband and think “Hmm, is this the man I married?” or I look at our home and think “Hmm, did we really paint the kitchen that colour white?” Everything seems to be questionable which makes it a terrible day for making any big decisions! It is all questionable because I just can’t feel things with my heart as I usually can.
Why is this?
Well, being a lightwatcher, my theory is that it has to do with my perception of yellow light. On the days when I perceive less yellow light, I feel less.
What do I do About It?
Well, it gives me the opportunity to try out my capacity to trust. I have to live sort of blindly feeling-wise. I have a bath and have to trust the water is making me feel good. I eat a snack and have to trust my choice is right for that moment. I open my mouth to speak and have to trust that the ‘right’ words come out for the situation.
The hardest thing is not really ‘feeling’ my relationship with those close to me. I tend to think they are being off with me or abrupt or uncaring. However they haven’t changed. It is only me that has changed. So I have to trust their every intention to be good and have to notice their smile and the touch of their hand even if I don’t feel it.
Most of all I have to trust that I am loved.
How the light is every day changes my taste, my desire to eat certain textures and also temperature.
At some point in May I always see a burst of more red light. As the light is quite bright I already see the medium and higher light-waves more strongly so the light can appear more balanced to me until the blue starts to dominate in June and the red drops off again.
Seeing the nice red light yesterday I thought “Yum, I can eat tomatoes today!” I looked at the tomatoes and the red appeared fine. I cut the tomatoes and put some olive oil and seasoning on as I usually do and the tomatoes didn’t appear so fine. They seemed to be jumping off the plate with energy! I gave them a good hard stare and thought “Hmm, is this energy I want in myself?” I looked at the other things on my plate – the marinaded pork and new potatoes and thought how calm they looked. “Are they boringly calm?” I thought ” Could I spice things up a bit with the very energetic tomatoes?” “Could I blend the energies?” Well, I gave it a try – but unfortunately to my peril!!
An hour or so later I had that bloated feeling that I might get if I had yeast or too much sugar. Now I know tomatoes could have mold on them but somehow I knew it was the energy. It was not a match for me. I had no other gut symptoms but I did have a headache. I had felt similar to when the postman turns up in her orange high viz jacket. Something pulls me to look at the brightness but I know it is not a match so I hide my eyes. Well, I should have left the tomatoes in the fridge and saved myself some pain and angst but it is a long learning curve when it comes to energy and food.
As if it is not enough to have to eat by colour and texture! Oh no – I need to eat by energy as well and especially as we approach the middle of summer when the light is at its brightest.
So what are you eating this summer? Can you see the energy of your food or can your sensitive child? Is the energy a match or is it a mismatch?