Sensory Processing – To Hide or to Be My Insecure Self in the World? – That is the Question!

looking through window

I have spent my whole life wondering why I have this tension in my body, I can’t always think straight and I feel sort of insecure a lot of the time. I have really worked my socks off to get to the bottom of this and I thought after 12 years of very intense therapy and working with my issues around the clock, that at least one morning I could get up and feel relaxed!

But no! It seems I was wrong! There is something more than issues or anxiety going on. And it is all about my senses and my difficulty with processing. I can find it difficult to process light, colour, sound, taste, touch, motion, temperature and mine and other people’s emotions.

So what do I do? Do I hide? Or do I take my insecure self out into the world?

Well, I’m done hiding! I’m done waiting until I feel sorted enough to make me feel worthy of being in the world. I’m done waiting for others to give me their nod of approval that says ‘Yes, You’re ok now, You’re good enough to be one of us!”  I’m even done waiting to feel secure enough to dare to step into the world.

I AM DONE WAITING!

I know I am quirky, I know I look tense, I know I can appear socially awkward, I know I can look insecure and scared. I know I can swing between seeming distant and a chatterbox.  I know I don’t seem like a teacher or a healer and certainly not a leader . . .

But I am . . . and I AM HERE!

 

 

Why Don’t We Teach Healing as a Craft?

J: What do you mean by healing through creativity?
Jennie: I mean that healing is a process.  Rather than being about shifting stuff and clearing the old it is more about transformation – like moulding a beautiful pot.
J: How do we heal creatively?
Jennie: By being self aware and observing our thoughts and feelings particularly the way that we react to people and situations in our life and then pondering on our reactions and asking for insight.
J: Could you give me an example?
Jennie: Today I was late for a therapy session and on my way there in the car I felt tension building in my arms and shoulders. I didn’t ignore or fight the sensations – I simply observed them and asked myself what I feeling emotionally.  I found that one moment I was feeling how important the session was and the next moment I was disassociating with my feelings.
J: What did you do next?
Jennie: I received insight that my symptoms were related to my feelings about having support. I could also see how the situation I found myself in that morning was bringing all these feelings to the surface?
J: What do you mean?
Jennie: Well, I’d only booked my therapy session the day before and in order to be able to go I had to have a lot of support. I needed my husband to drive me there, I had to find someone to look after my son before school,  I cancelled a dentist appointment, we all had to get up early and drive across town in the rush-hour! I knew this session was important but as the time grew closer I began to doubt more and more my right to have all the support I was having that morning. The doubt led to the symptoms
J: Where did this insight lead you?
Jennie: It became the basis of my therapy session and I was able to work through some of my feelings about receiving support.
J: So does healing through creativity mostly happen through self awareness and asking for insight?
Jennie: These things take people a long way but we also need to express our healing and we need an outlet for this.
J: Do you mean we need to talk about our process?
Jennie: Well sort of.  All creativity needs an outlet. There is no point in painting a picture and then putting it in a drawer. When I paint, write or create music, some of the work I do is my own personal journey but sometimes I want my work to be seen and heard. Healing is a craft or skill, something we can hone and be proud of.
J: Are you proud of your skill at healing?
Jennie: Yes, I am but I don’t think other people recognise it!
J: Why do think this is?
Jennie: Well, it is not a recognised skill. You can’t get a PhD in creative healing – well not yet anyway!  And some people think that is very self indulgent and that while you are choosing to heal you are not being much use in society.
J: Do you think this is true?
Jennie: No. I think if we are to heal others we have to heal ourselves first. The path of the healer certainly has a selfless quality.
J: Going back to what you said about expression, could you say more about this?
Jennie: Yes. I suppose when I have insights I am excited about them because healing is a passion.  I naturally want to share my insights with someone I think will understand them just as I might want to share a painting with someone who ‘gets’ my art.
J: Do you actually enjoy your own healing?
Jennie: This is an interesting question.  What has made it hardest to enjoy my healing has been my difficulty with receiving support and my difficulty with intimacy.  What I have enjoyed about my healing is seeing transformation at work in me.  In therapy this has led me through times of beautiful openness, rich closeness, feeling held, loved, cared about and this has been both enjoyable and deeply enriching.  Also there have been times of struggle, feeling pain and discomfort – emotional, mental and physical, times of feeling lost and helpless, times of uncertainty about the therapeutic relationship and feelings of deep and unsatisfied need.
J: Do you think the good feelings have out-weighed the difficult ones?
Jennie: I don’t think we can see it that way. If we are determined to heal we have to take the rough with the smooth.  Some phases may feel very bumpy and hard and others may feel a lot softer and kinder.
J: Do you think people need to share their journey and their insights to heal?
Jennie: I don’t think it is essential or the only way to work but I think it adds another dimension. I think if we can see healing as something exciting, dynamic and transformative it lifts us out of the mindset that healing is simply about working through and shifting stuff.
J: Do you think healing could be taught more as a skill?
Jennie: I think that would be amazing and it is definitely my life’s work!