Oh Yippee – I am Connected!

I have spectral sensitivity and it is October. My serotonin is low. I eat chocolate truffles between all meals and need a bath when I have come in from being outside. And when I am outside I feel as if I am in a dream. I am fussy with food textures and even my softest bamboo clothes feel scratchy to me. I sometimes don’t want a hug. I am losing tones in colour and this particularly causes me to find food and faces difficult to look at. My sound sensitivity is at its peak and when people talk to me, I need to ask them to use fewer words. My movement sensitivity is at its peak. When people are excited around me, I need to ask them not to use their arms.

I have been making observations about my spectral sensitivity for 4 years now and this is the first autumn when I can honestly say that despite all my challenges, I am happy. I finally realise that I don’t need to connect in any particular way – I just am connected. I don’t have to connect through what I see, feel, touch, hear – I can tap into a deeper connection.

I was brought up from a young age to go to church. We we far from the perfect family and I am pretty sure my Dad just went because he liked the music. It was an experience for me though. It just happened to be a beautiful round church – one of the few in the country. I liked round things! And my parents bought me a service booklet for children with pictures. And how I loved this booklet! I don’t go to church now but I do carry my faith around with me and it is the place I go to when I have lost all my other ways to connect. When I feel at odds with myself and the world, my faith warms my heart and puts a smile on my face. 😊

The Blue Light of Surrender

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It’s June and I thought June was about lunches at the garden and picnics at the beach but not always for me.

The Light

As a light-watcher my perception is that June can be a bit too blue! I go off my green veggies and brown meat and feel glad this year that our home is neutral and that I don’t have to do my usual trick of taking pictures off the wall and removing patterned table-cloths!

How Do I Feel?

I am finding it hard to feel connected to myself or anyone or anything.

I Feel Lonely

I feel as if I am the only person in the world right now.

I Feel my Pain

I feel all the pain that I haven’t been feeling the rest of year about being me and having all my ridiculous sensitivities and I feel it really head on. Usually I am incredibly positive and can always squeeze out the best in a difficult situation but right now I am struggling with this.

I Hate Asking for Help

I hate asking for help at the best of times but right now I really hate asking for help. It is as if those words “Please . . . ” grate on me and it is hard to get them out. Perceiving less red light I just don’t feel so secure in relationship and it is really hard to trust that someone wants to help me.

What Do I Do?

I have to dig even deeper into my ‘spiritual’ resource. If I can’t find what I need at the surface then this is where I go. I wonder what spiritual quality I need to help me through this time. And the word that keeps coming to me is ‘surrender.’

I need to surrender because I just can’t work it all out and make it all fine at the moment. I need to remember that ultimately I am not in control – God is.

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