Mummy, Please Teach Me to Live by the Light!

 

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I didn’t grow up living by the light. I grew up like most other people getting up in the morning, thinking about what I was going to do, where I was going to go and then trying to fulfil my plan for the day.  I was completely oblivious to the light and how it might be making me feel.

But now I do live by the light and  today I was thinking about how difficult it is to live in a way that feels so different and unusual.  Then I wondered what it would have been like if I had grown up believing that it was a completely usual things to do.

I imagined having a conversation with my mother when I was 3 and this is how it went.

Mum – Jennie, come with me and look out of the window and tell me what you see.

Me – I see houses and trees and the sky.

Mum – And what colour are they?

Me – The houses are red, the trees are green  and the sky is blue.

Mum – Do you see anything else? Can you see the light? Is there another colour out there?

Me – Well, there is a sort of funny blue feeling

Mum – Ah, you see blue. And does it make you feel something?

Me – it makes me feel cuddly

Mum – How do think you would feel outside today?

Me – Not sure, maybe a bit lonely.

Mum – I see. Well, light is very important. We all live by the light. You know the sun is very important and the moon?

Me – Yes

Mum – Well, the light makes us feel different ways. It can make you have different moods. And it makes you choose different coloured clothes and eat different food. So we don’t all do the same thing every day. We all have to live by the light to really feel good.

Me – Oh, I see, so that is why I chose my blue dress today. it wasn’t really me. it was the light!

Mum – Yes, Exactly!

 

The Blue Light of Surrender

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It’s June and I thought June was about lunches at the garden and picnics at the beach but not always for me.

The Light

As a light-watcher my perception is that June can be a bit too blue! I go off my green veggies and brown meat and feel glad this year that our home is neutral and that I don’t have to do my usual trick of taking pictures off the wall and removing patterned table-cloths!

How Do I Feel?

I am finding it hard to feel connected to myself or anyone or anything.

I Feel Lonely

I feel as if I am the only person in the world right now.

I Feel my Pain

I feel all the pain that I haven’t been feeling the rest of year about being me and having all my ridiculous sensitivities and I feel it really head on. Usually I am incredibly positive and can always squeeze out the best in a difficult situation but right now I am struggling with this.

I Hate Asking for Help

I hate asking for help at the best of times but right now I really hate asking for help. It is as if those words “Please . . . ” grate on me and it is hard to get them out. Perceiving less red light I just don’t feel so secure in relationship and it is really hard to trust that someone wants to help me.

What Do I Do?

I have to dig even deeper into my ‘spiritual’ resource. If I can’t find what I need at the surface then this is where I go. I wonder what spiritual quality I need to help me through this time. And the word that keeps coming to me is ‘surrender.’

I need to surrender because I just can’t work it all out and make it all fine at the moment. I need to remember that ultimately I am not in control – God is.

The Violet Light and the Waterfall of Words!

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The last couple of days we have had high white cloud and I always perceive a lot of violet in this light. I perceive less of the lower and middle frequencies which makes me feel quite un-grounded and very buoyant!

In this light I have thousands of words in my head! It is like endless torrents and waterfalls of things that must be said. My heart feels wide open and my thinking gains a clarity that I don’t experience in any other light. My son (11) is the same. After a long day on the computer he comes down, eyes bright and full of ideas and opinions and feelings which he must express. I only see this energy in him now – in the middle of the summer.

What Do I Do?

Well, in the past, the bright light has meant ‘Hide’ quick, hide yourself away before you do anything silly and say anything ridiculous and bore anybody or offend anybody.’ And I literally have hidden from the light (sat on the settee with my hands covering my face) and hidden from myself (have spoken nothing and been completely mute).

However, this year, I feel a change in myself. I won’t hide any more. If this is the light when I feel the most energy then I am going to feel that energy. I am going to express that energy. I am going to follow that energy wherever it takes me even if it is to the ends of the earth and back.

I will not be frightened of my own energy any longer.

Are you frightened of yours’ ?

Some Days I Feel Way Too Much

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This is a sequel to my previous post ‘Some Days I Just Don’t Feel Much’

Some days I feel way too much. I get up in the morning and immediately I feel emotional. This morning I felt emotional when I couldn’t find my lists on the Waitrose website! I can feel emotional just trying to choose whether I should write an e-mail or put the washing on first!

I feel everything more sensory-wise too. I noticed the softness of the water on my hands when I washed them this morning. I noticed how hard my sandals felt on my feet. The car seemed to be faster and bumpier than usual and the hygienist (which was my destination) – well don’t get me started . . .!

On days like today my head seems to whir with thoughts and my heart seems to buzz with feelings. When I talk to people I want to express so much and suddenly realise the limitation of words. When I have spoken to people I think of how our conversation could have been more meaningful or how I could have been more transparent.  Nothing seems to satisfy my intense desire for connection. My husband can give my a demonstrative squeeze but seconds later that feeling has gone – blown away on the wind.

What Do I Do?

Firstly I accept my deep feeling self

Then I do anything that satisfies my need to feel deeply, recognising that this isn’t always easy especially if you really need to make a Waitrose order! This is why I was looking for my lists – because I wanted to engage more deeply with our family’s needs. I knew this would make me happier than just randomly shopping or shopping without a list.

And most importantly I trust that I am giving and receiving enough even though it doesn’t feel that way. I accept that the insatiable hunger for emotional connection is a sense – a feeling. My feeling of unsatisfied need today is not the truth.

The truth is that I am enough and I have enough and that my heart is the wellspring of life always. 

Some Days I Just Don’t Feel Much

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Some days I just don’t feel much. I wouldn’t say I was depressed because depression probably leads us to cut ourselves off from the world and our loved ones. I still very much connected with most of myself and the world.

But on days like this I look at my husband and think “Hmm, is this the man I married?” or I look at our home and think “Hmm, did we really paint the kitchen that colour white?” Everything seems to be questionable which makes it a terrible day for making any big decisions! It is all questionable because I just can’t feel things with my heart as I usually can.

What do I do About It?

Well, this experience gives me the opportunity to try out my capacity to trust. I have to live sort of blindly feeling-wise. I have a bath and have to trust the water is making me feel good. I eat a snack and have to trust my choice is right for that moment. I open my mouth to speak and have to trust that the ‘right’ words come out for the situation.

The hardest thing is not really ‘feeling’ my relationship with those close to me. I tend to think they are being off with me or abrupt or uncaring. However they haven’t changed. It is only me that has changed. So I have to trust their every intention to be good and have to notice their smile and the touch of their hand even if I don’t feel it.

Most of all I have to trust that I am loved. 

I Don’t Do Grounded – I Do Buoyant!

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Ah – grounded!! That word that I have heard so many times!

“Jennie, you’re not very grounded!”

“All you need to do is think yourself down into your feet!”

“Why don’t you go walking bare-foot very early in your garden in the morning dew?”

“Do yoga.”

“Do Tai Chi”

“Chant”

“Use magnets”

“Try bed linen with silver thread in them.”

“Make small talk, cook and sew!”

Well, I’ve tried them all and none of them worked. I remember a therapist telling me to feel into my feet. When I said “It doesn’t work for me” she looked hard at me and said “Well, in all my years of therapy you are the only person it hasn’t worked for!”

So . . . what do I do?

I have to come to terms with the fact that that I am not Mrs Super Grounded! It seems that the way I see the light tends to make me feel the opposite – away with my intuition most of the time! But I am happy there – in my random thoughts like I am having right now – blue sky thinking . . . thinking outside of the box. This is where life is for me.

I tend to perceive more blue on the spectrum than some which means I perceive less red which is probably why I don’t feel grounded.

Naturally I am a ‘blue light’ person so I don’t really need to be grounded.

How about you? Have you been struggling a long time to ground yourself when you might feel better accepting your expansive intuitive self and be happy to be a lighter buoyant person?

Maybe we should start a new feeling state trend and be happy to say “No I don’t do grounded, I do buoyant!”

Don’t put yourself down if buoyancy is your thing!

No Tomatoes in Late May Please!

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How the light is every day changes my taste, my desire to eat certain textures and also temperature.

At some point in May I always see a burst of more red light. As the light is quite bright I already see the medium and higher light-waves more strongly so the light can appear more balanced to me until the blue starts to dominate in June and the red drops off again.

Seeing the nice red light yesterday I thought “Yum, I can eat tomatoes today!” I looked at the tomatoes and the red appeared fine. I cut the tomatoes and put some olive oil and seasoning on as I usually do and the tomatoes didn’t appear so fine. They seemed to be jumping off the plate with energy! I gave them a good hard stare and thought “Hmm, is this energy I want in myself?” I looked at the other things on my plate – the marinaded pork and new potatoes and thought how calm they looked.  “Are they boringly calm?” I thought ” Could I spice things up a bit with the very energetic tomatoes?” “Could I blend the energies?” Well, I gave it a try – but unfortunately to my peril!!

An hour or so later I had that bloated feeling that I might get if I had yeast or too much sugar. Now I know tomatoes could have mold on them but somehow I knew it was the energy. It was not a match for me. I had no other gut symptoms but I did have a headache. I had felt similar to when the postman turns up in her orange high viz jacket. Something pulls me to look at the brightness but I know it is not a match so I hide my eyes. Well, I should have left the tomatoes in the fridge and saved myself some pain and angst but it is a long learning curve when it comes to energy and food.

As if it is not enough to have to eat by colour and texture!  Oh no – I need to eat by energy as well and especially as we approach the middle of summer when the light is at its brightest.

So what are you eating this summer? Can you see the energy of your food or can your sensitive child? Is the energy a match or is it a mismatch? 

I Connect when I…

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I connect when I:-

Look out of the window and see that the light is more blue than yesterday today

Choose my blue trousers that have a hint of green in them to match the light

Hear the bath water gurgling down the plughole and decide that sound is OK

Put my socks on before my trousers because my ankles like it better that way

Feel the crunch of my Nairns ginger biscuits pleasingly in my mouth

Smell the fresh scent of summer in the mint with the potatoes cooking at lunchtime

Listen to and honour my inner child and follow her wherever she want to go

Listen to others, tell my story and ask for my needs

Listen out for guidance in the form of a voice, a feeling, a sense or sensation to help me through my day.

And that is enough!

 

 

 

Highly Sensitives – Your Answers are in the Lightwaves!

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Because I understand my relationship with the light, I know everything I need to know about my sensitive self in every moment of every day.

I know:-

What colour to wear

What food to eat

What sounds to listen to or avoid

What textures to enjoy or avoid

Where to go

Who to spend time with or not spend time with

What to do or not do

And that is an amazing way to live

Being Highly Sensitive – Our Greatest Challenge

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Being Highly Sensitive challenges us to connect with ourselves and our environment in a way that is uniquely right just for us.