I have had a hec of a Christmas!
Nearly every year I suffer with jaw pain at Christmas. It usually starts three weeks before Christmas and builds to some sort of crescendo around Christmas Day! Over the year I have named it Christmasitis!
And this year I planned an easy, no pressure, cosy little family Christmas. So how could it all go so wrong?
Because . . . I can only connect with myself in any moment of time and that means I could feel anything. I might feel quiet, feisty, inspired, introspective, active, inactive, sociable or more insular. I might feel any way on Christmas Day!
And. . . I can’t pretend and I can’t act.
This year I was enjoying my simple, cosy little family Christmas in the first instance . . .or was I? I seem to remember in the morning I tidied out the entire games cupboard. I was deciding which coloured games were good for me at this time of year (as you do, or rather, as most people don’t do!) Then I remember having a little strop about having too many boxes in the hall and pleading with my husband to take some of them to the garage or put them in the loft! But oh no! It was Christmas Day – How dare I have a little strop?!
By 2:00 my jaw pain was starting to develop on the right side of my face so I took some pain killers. By tea time I absolutely couldn’t eat. I didn’t sleep that night, took more pain killers and the next day phoned the out of hours dentist. He suggested it could be a tooth infection or a sinus infection. We spent Boxing Day going to town for some antibiotics.
The thing is . . . I don’t really think I have an infection but I have never taken so many tablets in a couple of days. Usually I am wary when it comes to pain killers. But this time the pain has been different. It has been a deep emotional pain and at times I have cried real deep tears. I have just been willing to do anything to numb the terrible pain. But it isn’t really going and that is why I am writing this.
Because . . . It is OK to be myself, it is to ask for my needs and it is OK to speak my truth – on any day of the year! (even if it’s Christmas!)
Feeling insecure for a reason that feels outside of your control doesn’t always equal fear
Feeling easily stressed or overloaded by small things doesn’t always equal anger
Feeling helpless and unable to change something doesn’t always equal guilt.
But it can appear as this to those that are close to us. Maybe they pick up that deep down this is how we are perceiving ourselves.
Is it time to let yourself off the hook?
I usually sleep with the curtains a little open and the glow of a pink night light in the corner of our room. Lately though, I have been feeling that this might not be right for me. The light feels too intense. I don’t like to be in total darkness so I have been hanging a sheet up at the window to cover the gap between the curtains. I have also turned off the night light. Then I lay there and think ‘Surely there is nothing to disturb me now! No-one is snoring, there is no buzz of a helicopter – nothing – just me in a pleasantly dark room.’ True – I have felt more calm but not completely calm because there is one intense thing I can’t turn off or block out and that is myself!
I am intense in my relationships
I am intense in the way I parent
I am intense about my work
I am intense in my blogging!
I AM INTENSE! Not everyone is going to like it but I don’t see why I should turn myself off – in fact I CAN’T. I can’t even turn myself down!
Connection feels like a warm embrace. You feel able to breathe, digest, give and receive, create, speak your truth, ask for your needs and most of all – be yourself and know your place in the world.
What causes us to disconnect?
Now knowing who we are and Self Doubt.
What causes us to connect?
Knowing Ourselves and Living Our Purpose.
If we are so good at feeling our pain and the pain of other people we should be really good at feeling love, joy and peace! We are experts at deep connection and it is our choice what we connect with.
Our fear that we do not deserve deep connection keeps us connecting with our negative thoughts. After-all, as Highly Sensitives, we need meaningful connection to feel alive. We have to connect with something. Let’s give ourselves a break and connect with our happy thoughts, our good feelings, our blessings, the ones who love us unconditionally and faith that all is well.