Vulnerability – Wearing Your Wounds with Pride!

birds learn to fly

Hmm, I have managed to come off my hover-board twice in the last 2 days!

Generally hover-boarding seems a nice gentle past-time but I wanted to step it up a bit – literally!

Day 1 – I made myself a ramp and came a cropper at the top of it when the board of the ramp swung round and caught the board. Feeling the momentum of the board as I climbed the slope I so wanted to get to the top and see if I could balance there!

Day 2 – I just climbed a small step from the grass to the patio (a step I had mastered several times before ) and fell flat on my bottom into the raised bed of herbs!

Day 1 – Response. When I fell I thought it was serious. I saw pictures of me in hospital and felt pretty scared. My husband was in the garden but just out of ear-shot so I had to call him 3 times. The reality was just a bit of grazing to my hand and my ego.  I needed a lot of comfort though, feeling like I was 3 and had just fallen off my tricyle.

Day 2 – Response. When I fell I felt a sense of deja vu – just the same pain in the just the same place as yesterday. I re-bruised my hand and this time broke the skin. My son was with me and he was very unsympathetic as he thinks I am a bit crazy and he doesn’t like the sight of blood. I just got up and washed my hand and carried on with life.

On Reflection

I felt strangely unpreturbed and almost a little bit proud of the fact that I had added to my injuries. I am usually risk averse so these injuries mean I had done something – I had been brave and although it didn’t go as planned I had demonstrated my courage.

Vulnerability is like that. Every time I am my authentic self I feel like I am climbing the ramp on my hoverboard. And I won’t stop. I need to push my boundaries and see if I can balance at the top.

Sometimes I fall off and feel a bit silly but I am learning to wear my wounds with pride.

Are you?

What is ‘My Balanced’ ?

balance stones

Working with the light I get a real feeling for how much of our ‘balanced’ or ‘not balanced’ state is dependent on our relationship with our environment.

If I perceive a lot of violet light I can feel intuitive to the point of feeling dazed. If I perceive a lot of yellow light I can feel emotionally connected to the point of feeling teary and overly vulnerable.

But what if I perceive the light as balanced?

Well, I will take you through my experience of the spectrum.

RED – I feel quite secure and quite grounded but still prefer to have people around me.

ORANGE – I feel outspoken and comfortable asking for my needs but I have a lot of words unsaid – still inside of me – because I don’t have the opportunity or know who or where to speak them.

YELLOW – I feel emotionally connected, finding it easy to give and receive love, but then there is a lot of love that I am not sure what to do with. It doesn’t necessarily translate into making cups of tea or ironing someone’s shirt or even a hug or ‘I love you’. No – it feels bigger than those things.

GREEN – I just about manage to digest the knowledge that I am in a fact a visionary and I am raising a visionary. My head feels full of doubts and questions and a certain amount of fear but I am able to quell these and press on quite well.

BLUE – I feel single minded and full of determination whilst at the same time trusting others to help me and support me. I am however very feisty and ‘do not suffer fools gladly’. Just to add another saying ‘I call a spade a spade!’

INDIGO – I find it possible to let go and be myself without too much second guessing. Fears, doubts and questions do still flutter around quite a lot though.

VIOLET – I run with my intuition. If I think of something random to do I do it without too many questions – like this blog post. I know it feels better to run and not look around too much. My fear of my intensity is the biggest block to really letting go.

So, this is ‘my balanced’ and in many ways it doesn’t sound very balanced at all! But as a human, a visionary and a person trying to embrace my vulnerability and be real, this is as balanced as I get. Maybe I should learn to be happy with it!

I wonder what your ‘balanced’ is?

 

balance stones

 

Fear of Separation is Always at the Heart of Anxiety

waving goodbye

The biggest epidemic in our societies today is separation (disconnection with self and the world)  It is this feeling that leads people to suffer with low self esteem, live a life where they find it difficult to be true to themselves and ultimately dis-ease.   So why do we feel separate?  We send our children to childcare and nursery school, separating them from the essential mother child bond for hours at a time before they are barely able to hold their heads up.  Many families are separated by broken marriages.   Many families who live together live quite separate lives.  Many of us don’t know our neighbours. We travel separately and don’t meet in towns as we used to.  Isn’t it amazing when it snows and we meet people in the street, walking to town to get some bread because the Waitrose delivery lorry couldn’t get through and our car won’t start? That’s my favourite day of the year!

Some of us choose a form of spirituality that continues in us this feeling of separateness. We separate ourselves from the rest of the world when we feel that we have the answers.  We separate ourselves from the goodness of the world when we decide that we have to eat this food and that food and do this thing and that thing just to survive on the planet.  We separate ourselves from our very beings when we try to empty ourselves in spiritual practices and meditation.  We separate ourselves from God when we decide that we are in control and that we can use the power of our thoughts to draw to ourselves what we want.

Anxiety has little to do with being dependent on a significant other.  This is simply the symptom.  The cause is a sense of separation that runs deep in the core of our being.  It may have happened at our birth or in childhood, we may have inherited it from our parents but however it happened, I believe it is our deepest journey to find our sense of safety within ourselves and the world.  When we find that feeling, we will no longer tolerate separateness and we will do everything in our power to create strong bonds with our children, our families and the world.  We will fall into God’s arms and gladly admit that we can’t do it on our own.

All we all really want is to feel safe, loved and at home in ourselves and the world.

Proprioception Problems – Push Against a Wall or Connect with Your Passion? Your Choice

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Heavy energy                                                           Vibrant energy

 

What is Proproception?

Proprioception is the ability to feel our connection with the world around us – whether that is the chair we are sitting on or the pair of scissors we are cutting with. Or is it? Could it run a lot deeper than that? Could it actually be rooted in our connection or disconnection with ourselves?

My son who is 11 and I both have proprioception problems (in terms of struggling to feel our connection with the physical world) but we both reject standard forms of therapy such as lifting weights or pushing ourselves against a wall. if we try these things we find we actually feel worse.  On a deeper level we seem to feel an emptiness and feel more disconnected than ever.

So what should we do?

We need to find a different way to feel connected. We need to stop being too concerned about the strange feelings of our struggle with proprioception and find better feelings. And the better feelings are always about connecting with ourselves. And they are always 3 things:

Connecting with our voices

Connecting with our hearts

Connecting with our power to be ourselves.

And when we do that there are things that we enjoy more than anything else and that fill us to the brim more than anything else and these are RELATIONSHIP and CREATIVITY.

When we are spending time with someone we find warm, engaging and interesting and are actively contributing to that experience we feel GOOD

When we tune into our intuition and do something creative straight from our hearts we feel GOOD.

So . . .push against a wall or connect with your passion? . . . YOUR CHOICE!

 

Colour Sensitivity – Lightwatcher Story – 27th Dec 2018

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Wow – the fog today!

Here in Somerset UK this is what it is like outside my window. My 11 year old son kindly took this photo for me with his new action camera.

Although it is thick cloud, the light appears almost luminescent and violet. It reminds me a bit of the feeling I have when we have frost or snow. There is a powerful sense of white. And all the blues and violets around me feel very strong – as if there is too much energy in them.

How you might feel:

Full of ideas but finding it hard to formulate them.

Full of energy but struggling to find what to put it into.

My suggestion:

Stay close to community whether that is family or the larger community.

Enjoy your powerful feelings even though it may feel difficult to harness them and utilise them.

Trust in your connection with God, yourself and all things and don’t  worry about your fuzzy brain!

 

 

 

Colour Sensitivity – Christmas Day Cloud Therapy!

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Why did the light change yesterday?!

I have been sailing on through November and December thinking the light is good. I have been able to project manage our home improvements. I have even been able to sort CD’s and books and tolerate the constant chaos of stuff around us.

Then yesterday . . . my mood suddenly changed. And it wasn’t because it was Christmas Eve! I looked around me and realised I wasn’t seeing so much yellow but was seeing more orange in the light.  This usually makes me feel a bit downhearted. I was gutted, realising that is would likely be another struggle of a Christmas Day.

And here we are  . . Christmas Day . . . and lot of black cloud!!  And grumpy wife and mum.

What can I do to cheer myself? 

Sit in the only light there is and do my jigsaw puzzle that is full of whites and neutrals. This is the best Christmas Day Cloud Therapy there is!

Colour Sensitivity – Light watcher Story – 9th Dec 2018

child praying

The light is more blue than usual for December.

You may be feeling:

Very single minded, a bit detached, a bit lonely, a bit flitty in your thinking.

Suggestions:

Find meaningful ways to connect with others and let you voice out – what you really think and feel. Follow the thread of your thoughts and ideas and see what wonderful place they lead you to.

Sensory Processing Difficulties – The Healing Power of the Big Picture.

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Today we went for a walk with our ten year old son. We went to a beautiful park where there were walk ways and water and ducks and lots of lovely places to scoot. I was in a very ‘connecting’ mood and pretty happy as long as everyone was living on a feeling level!

We were just on our way back to the car when we discovered a new piece of path. There were brick walls either side and it was like an old railway embankment. The walls weren’t straight though. They were leaning backwards at about a 10 degree angle. As soon as I stepped onto this path. I felt discomfort. Where had my happy, secure feelings gone? I told myself it was just a bit of new path – something to get excited by, not scared of. However the feelings continued. I just didn’t like the brick walls. I think it was the angle that disturbed me. My brain just couldn’t seem to process what my eyes were seeing. My chest felt tight and my energy felt displaced. I really didn’t want to continue but my son was so happy scooting and my husband so happy exploring that I did. The only way out at the end of the path was a gate to a very busy road so we turned round and came back. This time I didn’t look at the walls. I just looked at the ground in front of me and although I felt restricted, I felt so much better.

Now at home writing this 2 hours later I am still processing my experience of the walls. When I was there my chest was tight. When I was driving home the tightness moved to my lower back. Now it is as if the feeling is trying to move out through my hips.

5 Minutes Later . . .

Amazingly when I looked for pictures to go with this post and I found the one above, the pain cleared from my hips and I felt I could breathe again.  Part of me didn’t want to look at the picture but part of me found it healing. it was somehow a relief to see the big picture of the sloping wall. I could now see at as part of the overall environment that it is rooted in. My brain at last could make sense of what my eyes had seen and my body could relax.

Thought . . .

We can spend a lot time focusing on every little detail of our life and trying to make it whole. However when we see the big picture we can relax and trust that although the details don’t seem to add up, wholeness can still be present.

So . . . wholeness isn’t dependent on every little detail being correct Keep looking at the big picture and a feeling a wholeness may surprise you!

What is Really at the Heart of Adult Separation Anxiety?

holding hands 2

I have always suffered with separation anxiety and still do as an adult but slowly slowly I am finding my way through the complex maze that is this condition.

For me the anxiety is that bad that I haven’t wanted my husband to go out to the corner shop or the doctors without me. I have trailed along here, there and everywhere because I have been too afraid to be by myself. 

I have wanted to change but just haven’t been able to make that first step. 

But this year I decided to have a play with the anxiety, to try to test its boundaries and get inside it to find its heart. 

The first thing I decided to do was to make sure my husband recognises it as a real problem. If we run out of onions and he says “I could always go up the corner shop  but there again you probably won’t let me out.” then we have lost before we have started.  In the same way if he goes out and comes back 10 minutes later and I say I struggled and he laughs because to him it is funny to miss someone in such a short time, then we have no where to go from here. I feel humiliated and guilty and the pattern starts once more.  I must say at this point that my husband is possibly the kindest man on the planet so if he has misunderstood my needs I know it is because he is human.

So . . I explained to my husband that the anxiety is obviously a problem, otherwise we would have had a very different lifestyle a long time ago. 

Next I decided on a realistic step. When I look out of my work room at home I can see into the next street (a gap between some houses) and by road this a 10 minute walk from our house. I thought it would be fun if my husband walked to that spot and then waves at me. We tried to add the fun of the tracker on his phone but unfortunately we couldn’t get this to work. My husband left the house, I timed 10 minutes and then sure enough there he was waving at me from our chosen spot. 

How did I feel in those 10 minutes? Empowered, confident, happy!

Where do I go from here? I don’t know yet? I gave up guilt when I admitted I had the condition and so there is no standard to achieve for me to feel good enough. We will go where the adventure takes us.

The important elements in taking that first step were HONESTY, SINCERITY, KNOWING AND ASKING FOR MY NEEDS, PLAYFULNESS . . . AND BEING PREPARED TO MOVE FORWARDS ONE STEP AT A TIME!

So . . what is at the heart of separation anxiety . . . . I think, a feeling that you are silly because you don’t like being by yourself!

 

Colour Sensitivity – What Colour are You Resisting and Why?

rainbow

I have been trying to understand my sensitivity to light and colour from many different angles (most of them scientific) but recently something has led me to think about it all from a more spiritual angle.

As I have been observing my colour sensitivity symptoms over the last 7 months I have noticed that they correlate with me seeing a predominance of one coloured light in the atmosphere.  And also I seem to be experiencing symptoms in a specific area of my body – different for each coloured light.  So . . . in the summer when the light felt more blue to me, the symptoms were around my head and chest. But if it got stormy and there was a lot of cloud I would see the light as yellow and my symptoms would drop lower in my body and affect my mood. I have continued to study my reaction to coloured light and these are my findings:-

Red Light – I feel this in my lower abdomen. It feels like intimacy and  makes me feel stronger in my legs.  I feel more secure and grounded.

Orange Light – I feel this in my upper abdomen. It feels like strength and causes me to be more outspoken but I can feel a bit separate from other people. I enjoy collaboration

Green Light  – I feel this around my stomach. It feels like life but I need more time to digest the things of the day than usual.

Yellow Light – I feel this around my heart. It feels like warmth. I am more acepting of myself and others. I am more affectionate and like more affection. I can sometimes feel overly vulnerable. 

Blue – I feel this around my chest and throat. It feels like independence of thought. I can feel very strong in my own ideas and find it easy to speak my truth. I can sometimes feel a bit lonely

Indigo – I feel this around my shoulders and neck . It feels like belief in the greater plan. I feel strong and resolute. I am looking for the light in the darkness. I can feel a bit overwhelmed by the work I have to do.

Violet – I feel this around my head. It feels like clarity of thought and I find it easier to let go to my intuition. I can be impatient and don’t have much time for anything that doesn’t feel really meaningful.

We all have our story to unfold. I just wanted to share my story. What is your story?