Oh Yippee – I am Connected!

I have spectral sensitivity and it is October. My serotonin is low. I eat chocolate truffles between all meals and need a bath when I have come in from being outside. And when I am outside I feel as if I am in a dream. I am fussy with food textures and even my softest bamboo clothes feel scratchy to me. I sometimes don’t want a hug. I am losing tones in colour and this particularly causes me to find food and faces difficult to look at. My sound sensitivity is at its peak and when people talk to me, I need to ask them to use fewer words. My movement sensitivity is at its peak. When people are excited around me, I need to ask them not to use their arms.

I have been making observations about my spectral sensitivity for 4 years now and this is the first autumn when I can honestly say that despite all my challenges, I am happy. I finally realise that I don’t need to connect in any particular way – I just am connected. I don’t have to connect through what I see, feel, touch, hear – I can tap into a deeper connection.

I was brought up from a young age to go to church. We we far from the perfect family and I am pretty sure my Dad just went because he liked the music. It was an experience for me though. It just happened to be a beautiful round church – one of the few in the country. I liked round things! And my parents bought me a service booklet for children with pictures. And how I loved this booklet! I don’t go to church now but I do carry my faith around with me and it is the place I go to when I have lost all my other ways to connect. When I feel at odds with myself and the world, my faith warms my heart and puts a smile on my face. 😊

We Can’t Really Find Connection. We Simply Have Connection!

Passionate about healing, I have always had ‘connection’ in my sights. I have been blessed enough to have a lot of insight about connection and disconnection and felt that in time it would all come together and I would feel truly connected.

However, this wasn’t to be my destination. I had to learn that no matter how much I healed, was self aware, stayed present with myself, none of it was enough.

I am not just me or not just me in relationship to others. I am also me in relationship to my environment. And this is where I get to feel what it is not to be in control. I can’t sort this relationship with my environment through therapy or self development. No, I have to surrender to it.

As a farmer has to surrender to their relationship with the weather and a fisherman to their relationship with the ocean, I have to surrender to my relationship with the light. I have to let it shape me and change me and bring out all the power that is within me.

I can’t choose to get up and ‘be’ creative. The light will make me creative or not make me creative. I can’t get up and choose to be a home-maker. The light will make me a home maker or not a home-maker. I can’t get up and choose to be a truth speaker or a leader. The light will lead me there or not lead me there. I am not in control. I can’t choose to connect with my emotions or with my intuition or with my physical energy. And I can’t choose total connection.

Today I don’t perceive enough red or blue light. This means that I can’t be really grounded or really emotionally connected, no matter how hard I try. I do perceive a lot of ultraviolet light that is giving me the energy to write this post.

Many of us are looking for total connection. We try to find it through yoga or exercise or the latest cleansing diet or using our breath. There is nothing wrong with these things but the truth is that there is no such thing as total connection when we are looking simply inside ourselves. We can try to apply all the latest health technology and fill ourselves with the latest super foods and vitamins and minerals but we will not find our place of total connection.

Connection is found in trust. When I can’t feel all the connectedness I want, I have to trust – I have to believe that connection is there.

Connection is found in knowing. When you can’t ‘feel connection,’ that can be frightening, make you insecure, and be disorientating. Knowing is FAITH that connection simply is there. It is more real than anything we can try to create or think we have.

No . . we can’t really find connection. We simply HAVE connection!

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