I Connect when I…

light bulb

I connect when I:-

Look out of the window and see that the light is more blue than yesterday today

Choose my blue trousers that have a hint of green in them to match the light

Hear the bath water gurgling down the plughole and decide that sound is OK

Put my socks on before my trousers because my ankles like it better that way

Feel the crunch of my Nairns ginger biscuits pleasingly in my mouth

Smell the fresh scent of summer in the mint with the potatoes cooking at lunchtime

Listen to and honour my inner child and follow her wherever she want to go

Listen to others, tell my story and ask for my needs

Listen out for guidance in the form of a voice, a feeling, a sense or sensation to help me through my day.

And that is enough!

 

 

 

Healing – Knees

knee figure

Just in my 50’s I have wondered over the last couple of years whether I am going to get knee problems. My Mum had arthritis in both her knees and has 2 new knees.

Symptoms

My knee would just give in sometimes.

I would feel like I was about to pull a ligament sometimes.

I got pain above, in and to the side of my knees at different times.

Decision

  1. To go to the doctor or not?
  2. To think about what I know about knees, health and healing?

So What do I know about knees?

Well, you have to look at the whole person really and particularly the bottom half of someone’s body when it comes to knees. Your upper legs are about belonging, your lower legs are about moving forwards and your feet are about being rooted in yourself and your life. So if any of those aspects are missing or you have a disconnect it will the affect the energy in your legs. And the sacrum is about letting go and a lot of us tend to be holding on for dear life when we would feel better if we could just let go. When we hold on in our sacrum we prevent all our lovely energy travelling into the rest of our body and especially down our legs.

What have I noticed in myself?

Since becoming stronger in myself and my intentions in life my knee problem have almost gone. If it does flare up briefly there is always some reason and usually it means my position I take in life has been challenged in some way. And when I regain my sense of strength in who I am my knees improve again.

A lot of people as they get older have problems with their knees and hips and from how I perceive things, this is about their difficulty in believing in and supporting who they are.

 

Vulnerability – Wearing Your Wounds with Pride!

birds learn to fly

Hmm, I have managed to come off my hover-board twice in the last 2 days!

Generally hover-boarding seems a nice gentle past-time but I wanted to step it up a bit – literally!

Day 1 – I made myself a ramp and came a cropper at the top of it when the board of the ramp swung round and caught the board. Feeling the momentum of the board as I climbed the slope I so wanted to get to the top and see if I could balance there!

Day 2 – I just climbed a small step from the grass to the patio (a step I had mastered several times before ) and fell flat on my bottom into the raised bed of herbs!

Day 1 – Response. When I fell I thought it was serious. I saw pictures of me in hospital and felt pretty scared. My husband was in the garden but just out of ear-shot so I had to call him 3 times. The reality was just a bit of grazing to my hand and my ego.  I needed a lot of comfort though, feeling like I was 3 and had just fallen off my tricyle.

Day 2 – Response. When I fell I felt a sense of deja vu – just the same pain in the just the same place as yesterday. I re-bruised my hand and this time broke the skin. My son was with me and he was very unsympathetic as he thinks I am a bit crazy and he doesn’t like the sight of blood. I just got up and washed my hand and carried on with life.

On Reflection

I felt strangely unpreturbed and almost a little bit proud of the fact that I had added to my injuries. I am usually risk averse so these injuries mean I had done something – I had been brave and although it didn’t go as planned I had demonstrated my courage.

Vulnerability is like that. Every time I am my authentic self I feel like I am climbing the ramp on my hoverboard. And I won’t stop. I need to push my boundaries and see if I can balance at the top.

Sometimes I fall off and feel a bit silly but I am learning to wear my wounds with pride.

Are you?

The Problem with Gaming is . . .

unhappy

I have a 11 year old son who is big time into gaming – even if isn’t all rough and killing people – it is still gaming! Minecraft is still gaming.

I am constantly telling my son what I think the problems with gaming are and he said I should write a post! So here it is . . .

My Son’s Story

My son, Luca, has a visual problem which means he feels more comfortable using the screen than he does in real life. This has been a dilemma for me. I was the Mum who said ‘only 2 hours of computer a day’ and really stuck to that. But over the years the time has climbed and climbed and now sometimes it is 11 hours before Luca emerges tired and agitated from his computer screen.

I have feared for my son’s eyes. I have feared for his nervous system. But I have felt powerless to change anything because my son would just complain of multiple symptoms if he had to encounter daylight, especially sunlight, without the screen. And I knew he wasn’t pretending. His distress is genuine. If I mentioned the word ‘rest’ he would wince at the thought of doing nothing without the screen. So I thought ‘Either my son has a supernatural ability to manage 10 -11 hours of computer time or something is going to give.’  And surprise surprise, it turns out he doesn’t have supernatural powers! (Well not that sort anyway!)

Following a bout of wobbly toothitis, poor eating and lack of sleep, Luca’s body started to send some messages that all was not OK.  He started to have spasms in his gut developing into typical IBS symptoms. Weakness in the gut tends to run in our family and I just hoped Luca would be exempt but apparently not. Thankfully due to my own lengthy experience of working with my own health I knew what to do.

1.Help Luca with his diet. We talked about his body making too much acid as he had too many complex carbohydrates and too much sugar. Also constant excitement or anger contributes to us making too much acid. He had been living on pasta and cheese, bourbon biscuits and multiple hours of Minecraft games and videos! We talked about the need for balance in the diet with protein, less wheat grain, some oats, some rice, some fruit and vegetables (to alkalise the acid)  and some dairy. We avoid beans and pulses and much raw food as we don’t feel this is easy for us to digest. And we drink 1 tbsp of kefir a day –  a life saving remedy for anyone prone to yeast problems. All quite basic really and my son already knew it but suddenly he found more motivation to try to achieve it.

2. Teach Luca about rest and comfort. He says he just can’t rest but when he knew he felt too unwell to use his computer he did find the capacity to rest. We sat and watched cookery programmes together. He said that when our new neutral coloured kitchen is complete (in a few weeks time) he is looking forward to doing some cooking and trying out some recipes. As we sat together Luca actually let me cuddle him and he usually resists all contact because he is so hot, agitated and over stimulated from gaming. He usually just paces and twirls around the room talking one endless Minecraft monologue! I sit and listen and try to resist feeling dizzy and spaced out as much as I can!  But on this occasion I felt Luca suddenly remember the wonderful benefits of being cuddled.  He felt unusually calm and grounded.

3. Teach Luca about finding his natural rhythm. The problem with gaming . . . as I say, is that children lose touch with their natural sense of rhythm. If they were playing a board game or riding their bike they would naturally get hungry, tired or just feel they have had enough of that activity. However when children game they have so much adrenaline in their systems that they are completely out of touch with their natural rhythm. Luca can easily go 4 hours without blinking. Scary really!

These are pretty simple things but they make a massive difference to a child’s health and well-being  Thankfully we can already see that if Luca eats well, has some rest, lets in some comfort and lives more to his own rhythm, he can stay well.

The problem with gaming . . . is that it can affect our health and well-being. Stay healthy!

 

 

 

Fear of Separation is Always at the Heart of Anxiety

waving goodbye

The biggest epidemic in our societies today is separation (disconnection with self and the world)  It is this feeling that leads people to suffer with low self esteem, live a life where they find it difficult to be true to themselves and ultimately dis-ease.   So why do we feel separate?  We send our children to childcare and nursery school, separating them from the essential mother child bond for hours at a time before they are barely able to hold their heads up.  Many families are separated by broken marriages.   Many families who live together live quite separate lives.  Many of us don’t know our neighbours. We travel separately and don’t meet in towns as we used to.  Isn’t it amazing when it snows and we meet people in the street, walking to town to get some bread because the Waitrose delivery lorry couldn’t get through and our car won’t start? That’s my favourite day of the year!

Some of us choose a form of spirituality that continues in us this feeling of separateness. We separate ourselves from the rest of the world when we feel that we have the answers.  We separate ourselves from the goodness of the world when we decide that we have to eat this food and that food and do this thing and that thing just to survive on the planet.  We separate ourselves from our very beings when we try to empty ourselves in spiritual practices and meditation.  We separate ourselves from God when we decide that we are in control and that we can use the power of our thoughts to draw to ourselves what we want.

Anxiety has little to do with being dependent on a significant other.  This is simply the symptom.  The cause is a sense of separation that runs deep in the core of our being.  It may have happened at our birth or in childhood, we may have inherited it from our parents but however it happened, I believe it is our deepest journey to find our sense of safety within ourselves and the world.  When we find that feeling, we will no longer tolerate separateness and we will do everything in our power to create strong bonds with our children, our families and the world.  We will fall into God’s arms and gladly admit that we can’t do it on our own.

All we all really want is to feel safe, loved and at home in ourselves and the world.

The Disregarded Art of Motherly Intuition

negotiating 3

I took my child to see an orthoptist about his vision issues when he was 9 and the first set of tests were fine. They were using cards and not a light to be seen! Then the orthoptist suggested my son would need a full examination that day in another room. I saw the colour drain from my son’s face and saw him holding back his tears.  Bright lights gave him terrible headaches and knock him out of sorts for hours. I reached over to touch his arm and said “It’s OK, We do everything as a family. You don’t have to do this today if you don’t want to. Or you could just give it a try. It is up to you.” I saw a pained look on the orthoptist’s face and looks were exchanged between him and his student who was in there observing the session. The look was saying startlingly obviously “ANXIOUS NEUROTIC PARENT ALERT” Things were written on bits of paper and the student was asked to take the message to the ophthalmologist. When we arrived in the ophthalmologist’s room she had a knowing look in her eyes. It said “I SEE YOU. YOU ARE THE ANXIOUS NEUROTIC PARENT!” My son was asked about the test and he said he would give it a go. The ophthalmologist said she would use her dimmer light first and it wasn’t long before my son refused to proceed with the test. Next came the expected – the criticism of Mum! The accusation that I was putting my anxiety onto my son by giving him the option of not taking the test.

How dare she?! She doesn’t know me. She doesn’t know my story or the journey we are on.

I am NOT an anxious neurotic parent. I am simply a mother who knows herself, knows her son, knows her journey and TRUSTS HER INTUITION.

Please share your motherly intuition stories. I would love to hear them.

 

What is Really at the Heart of Adult Separation Anxiety?

holding hands 2

I have always suffered with separation anxiety and still do as an adult but slowly slowly I am finding my way through the complex maze that is this condition.

For me the anxiety is that bad that I haven’t wanted my husband to go out to the corner shop or the doctors without me. I have trailed along here, there and everywhere because I have been too afraid to be by myself. 

I have wanted to change but just haven’t been able to make that first step. 

But this year I decided to have a play with the anxiety, to try to test its boundaries and get inside it to find its heart. 

The first thing I decided to do was to make sure my husband recognises it as a real problem. If we run out of onions and he says “I could always go up the corner shop  but there again you probably won’t let me out.” then we have lost before we have started.  In the same way if he goes out and comes back 10 minutes later and I say I struggled and he laughs because to him it is funny to miss someone in such a short time, then we have no where to go from here. I feel humiliated and guilty and the pattern starts once more.  I must say at this point that my husband is possibly the kindest man on the planet so if he has misunderstood my needs I know it is because he is human.

So . . I explained to my husband that the anxiety is obviously a problem, otherwise we would have had a very different lifestyle a long time ago. 

Next I decided on a realistic step. When I look out of my work room at home I can see into the next street (a gap between some houses) and by road this a 10 minute walk from our house. I thought it would be fun if my husband walked to that spot and then waves at me. We tried to add the fun of the tracker on his phone but unfortunately we couldn’t get this to work. My husband left the house, I timed 10 minutes and then sure enough there he was waving at me from our chosen spot. 

How did I feel in those 10 minutes? Empowered, confident, happy!

Where do I go from here? I don’t know yet? I gave up guilt when I admitted I had the condition and so there is no standard to achieve for me to feel good enough. We will go where the adventure takes us.

The important elements in taking that first step were HONESTY, SINCERITY, KNOWING AND ASKING FOR MY NEEDS, PLAYFULNESS . . . AND BEING PREPARED TO MOVE FORWARDS ONE STEP AT A TIME!

So . . what is at the heart of separation anxiety . . . . I think, a feeling that you are silly because you don’t like being by yourself!

 

Antibiotics or Talking about Connection? – My Choice!

jaw pain

I have had a hec of a Christmas!

Nearly every year I suffer with jaw pain at Christmas. It usually starts three weeks before Christmas and builds to some sort of crescendo around Christmas Day! Over the year I have named it Christmasitis!

And this year I planned an easy, no pressure, cosy little family Christmas. So how could it all go so wrong?

Because . . . I can only connect with myself in any moment of time and that means I could feel  anything. I might feel quiet, feisty, inspired, introspective, active, inactive, sociable or more insular. I might feel any way on Christmas Day!

And. . . I can’t pretend and I can’t act.

This year I was enjoying my simple, cosy little family Christmas in the first instance . . .or was I? I seem to remember in the morning I tidied out the entire games cupboard. I was deciding which coloured games were good for me at this time of year (as you do, or rather, as most people don’t do!) Then I remember having a little strop about having too many boxes in the hall and pleading with my husband to take some of them to the garage or put them in the loft! But oh no!  It was Christmas Day – How dare I have a little strop?!

By 2:00 my jaw pain was starting to develop on the right side of my face so I took some pain killers. By tea time I absolutely couldn’t eat. I didn’t sleep that night, took more pain killers  and the next day phoned the out of hours dentist. He suggested it could be a tooth infection or a sinus infection. We spent Boxing Day going to town for some antibiotics.

The thing is . . . I don’t really think I have an infection but I have never taken so many tablets in a couple of days. Usually I am wary when it comes to pain killers. But this time the pain has been different. It has been a deep emotional pain and at times I have cried real deep tears. I have just been willing to do anything to numb the terrible pain. But it isn’t really going and that is why I am writing this.

Because . . . It is OK to be myself, it is to ask for my needs and it is OK to speak my truth – on any day of the year! (even if it’s Christmas!)