We Can’t Really Find Connection. We Simply Have Connection!

Passionate about healing, I have always had ‘connection’ in my sights. I have been blessed enough to have a lot of insight about connection and disconnection and felt that in time it would all come together and I would feel truly connected.

However, this wasn’t to be my destination. I had to learn that no matter how much I healed, was self aware, stayed present with myself, none of it was enough.

I am not just me or not just me in relationship to others. I am also me in relationship to my environment. And this is where I get to feel what it is not to be in control. I can’t sort this relationship with my environment through therapy or self development. No, I have to surrender to it.

As a farmer has to surrender to their relationship with the weather and a fisherman to their relationship with the ocean, I have to surrender to my relationship with the light. I have to let it shape me and change me and bring out all the power that is within me.

I can’t choose to get up and ‘be’ creative. The light will make me creative or not make me creative. I can’t get up and choose to be a home-maker. The light will make me a home maker or not a home-maker. I can’t get up and choose to be a truth speaker or a leader. The light will lead me there or not lead me there. I am not in control. I can’t choose to connect with my emotions or with my intuition or with my more physical energy. And I can’t choose total connection.

Today I don’t perceive enough red or yellow light. This means that I can’t be really grounded or really emotionally connected, no matter how hard I try. I do perceive a lot of ultraviolet light that is giving me the energy to write this and a lot of orange light that is driving me to speak my truth.

Many of us are looking for total connection. We try to find it through yoga or exercise or the latest cleansing diet or using our breath. There is nothing wrong with these things but the truth is that there is no such thing as total connection when we are looking simply inside ourselves. We can try to apply all the latest health technology and fill ourselves with the latest super foods and vitamins and minerals but we will not find our place of total connection.

Connection is found in trust. When I can’t feel all the connectedness I want, I have to trust – I have to believe that connection is there.

Connection is found in knowing. When you can’t ‘feel connection,’ that can be frightening, make you insecure, and be disorientating. Knowing is FAITH that connection simply is there. It is more real than anything we can try to create or think we have.

No . . we can’t really find connection. We simply HAVE connection!

Some Days I Feel Way Too Much

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This is a sequel to my previous post ‘Some Days I Just Don’t Feel Much’

Some days I feel way too much. I get up in the morning and immediately I feel emotional. This morning I felt emotional when I couldn’t find my lists on the Waitrose website! I can feel emotional just trying to choose whether I should write an e-mail or put the washing on first!

I feel everything more sensory-wise too. I noticed the softness of the water on my hands when I washed them this morning. I noticed how hard my sandals felt on my feet. The car seemed to be faster and bumpier than usual and the hygienist (which was my destination) – well don’t get me started . . .!

On days like today my head seems to whir with thoughts and my heart seems to buzz with feelings. When I talk to people I want to express so much and suddenly realise the limitation of words. When I have spoken to people I think of how our conversation could have been more meaningful or how I could have been more transparent.  Nothing seems to satisfy my intense desire for connection. My husband can give my a demonstrative squeeze but seconds later that feeling has gone – blown away on the wind.

My Theory

Just as much as seeing less yellow light can cause me to feel less, my perception of seeing more yellow light can cause me to feel deep deep feeling. It could be that I perceive more yellow light or it could be that I perceive less of other frequencies such as red,  and relatively yellow seems more intense.

What Do I Do?

Firstly I accept my deep feeling self

Then I do anything that satisfies my need to feel deeply, recognising that this isn’t always easy especially if you really need to make a Waitrose order! This is why I was looking for my lists – because I wanted to engage more deeply with our family’s needs. I knew this would make me happier than just randomly shopping or shopping with a list.

And most importantly I trust that I am giving and receiving enough even though it doesn’t feel that way. I accept that the insatiable hunger for emotional connection is a sense – a feeling. My feeling of unsatisfied need today is not the truth.

The truth is that I am enough and I have enough and that my heart is the wellspring of life always. 

 

Some Days I Just Don’t Feel Much

 

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Some days I just don’t feel much. I wouldn’t say I was depressed because depression probably leads us to cut ourselves off from the world and our loved ones. I still very much connected with most of myself and the world.

But on days like this I look at my husband and think “Hmm, is this the man I married?” or I look at our home and think “Hmm, did we really paint the kitchen that colour white?” Everything seems to be questionable which makes it a terrible day for making any big decisions! It is all questionable because I just can’t feel things with my heart as I usually can.

Why is this?

Well, being a lightwatcher,  my theory is that it has to do with my perception of yellow light. On the days when I perceive less yellow light, I feel less.

What do I do About It?

Well, it gives me the opportunity to try out my capacity to trust. I have to live sort of blindly feeling-wise. I have a bath and have to trust the water is making me feel good. I eat a snack and have to trust my choice is right for that moment. I open my mouth to speak and have to trust that the ‘right’ words come out for the situation.

The hardest thing is not really ‘feeling’ my relationship with those close to me. I tend to think they are being off with me or abrupt or uncaring. However they haven’t changed. It is only me that has changed. So I have to trust their every intention to be good and have to notice their smile and the touch of their hand even if I don’t feel it.

Most of all I have to trust that I am loved.