Nothing is Right Day

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Today I feel that nothing is right.

It isn’t right to be outspoken and it isn’t right to keep quiet

It isn’t right to be with people and it isn’t right to be alone

It isn’t even right to be right and it certainly isn’t right to be wrong!!

My Theory

There is a lot of blue light today making giving me gritty determination to push forward my own ideas. However there is less red light so I feel less secure in myself and my ideas. The two feelings clash and confuse and confound me.

 

Mummy, Please Teach Me to Live by the Light!

 

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I didn’t grow up living by the light. I grew up like most other people getting up in the morning, thinking about what I was going to do, where I was going to go and then trying to fulfil my plan for the day.  I was completely oblivious to the light and how it might be making me feel.

But now I do live by the light and  today I was thinking about how difficult it is to live in a way that feels so different and unusual.  Then I wondered what it would have been like if I had grown up believing that it was a completely usual things to do.

I imagined having a conversation with my mother when I was 3 and this is how it went.

Mum – Jennie, come with me and look out of the window and tell me what you see.

Me – I see houses and trees and the sky.

Mum – And what colour are they?

Me – The houses are red, the trees are green  and the sky is blue.

Mum – Do you see anything else? Can you see the light? Is there another colour out there?

Me – Well, there is a sort of funny blue feeling

Mum – Ah, you see blue. And does it make you feel something?

Me – it makes me feel cuddly

Mum – How do think you would feel outside today?

Me – Not sure, maybe a bit lonely.

Mum – I see. Well, light is very important. We all live by the light. You know the sun is very important and the moon?

Me – Yes

Mum – Well, the light makes us feel different ways. It can make you have different moods. And it makes you choose different coloured clothes and eat different food. So we don’t all do the same thing every day. We all have to live by the light to really feel good.

Me – Oh, I see, so that is why I chose my blue dress today. it wasn’t really me. it was the light!

Mum – Yes, Exactly!

 

The Blue Light of Surrender

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It’s June and I thought June was about lunches at the garden and picnics at the beach but not always for me.

The Light

As a light-watcher my perception is that June can be a bit too blue! I go off my green veggies and brown meat and feel glad this year that our home is neutral and that I don’t have to do my usual trick of taking pictures off the wall and removing patterned table-cloths!

How Do I Feel?

I am finding it hard to feel connected to myself or anyone or anything. My defualt position is to just try to carry on with life and in the most part shut people out. When there is less yellow light I can feel detached too but that is a different type of detachment. I still seem to find it easy to trust that the connection is there. In the blue light, though, that trust is wavering.

I Feel Lonely

I feel as if I am the only person in the world right now.

I Feel my Pain

I feel all the pain that I haven’t been feeling the rest of year about being me and having all my ridiculous sensitivities and I feel it really head on. Usually I am incredibly positive and can always squeeze out the best in a difficult situation but right now I am struggling with this.

I Hate Asking for Help

I hate asking for help at the best of times but right now I really hate asking for help. It is as if those words “Please . . . ” grate on me and it is hard to get them out. Perceiving less red light I just don’t feel so secure in relationship and it is really hard to trust that someone wants to help me.

What Do I Do?

I have to dig even deeper into my ‘spiritual’ resource. If I can’t find what I need at the surface then this is where I go. I wonder what spiritual quality I need to help me through this time. And the word that keeps coming to me is ‘surrender.’

I need to surrender because I just can’t work it all out and make it all fine at the moment. I need to remember that ultimately I am not in control – God is.

The Violet Light and the Waterfall of Words!

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The last couple of days we have had high white cloud and I always perceive a lot of violet in this light. I perceive less of the lower and middle frequencies which makes me feel quite un-grounded and very buoyant!

In this light I have thousands of words in my head! It is like endless torrents and waterfalls of things that must be said. My heart feels wide open and my thinking gains a clarity that I don’t experience in any other light. My son (11) is the same. After a long day on the computer he comes down, eyes bright and full of ideas and opinions and feelings which he must express. I only see this energy in him now – in the middle of the summer.

What Do I Do?

Well, in the past, the bright light has meant ‘Hide’ quick, hide yourself away before you do anything silly and say anything ridiculous and bore anybody or offend anybody.’ And I literally have hidden from the light (sat on the settee with my hands covering my face) and hidden from myself (have spoken nothing and been completely mute).

However, this year, I feel a change in myself. I won’t hide any more. If this is the light when I feel the most energy then I am going to feel that energy. I am going to express that energy. I am going to follow that energy wherever it takes me even if it is to the ends of the earth and back.

I will not be frightened of my own energy any longer.

Are you frightened of yours’ ?

Some Days I Feel Way Too Much

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This is a sequel to my previous post ‘Some Days I Just Don’t Feel Much’

Some days I feel way too much. I get up in the morning and immediately I feel emotional. This morning I felt emotional when I couldn’t find my lists on the Waitrose website! I can feel emotional just trying to choose whether I should write an e-mail or put the washing on first!

I feel everything more sensory-wise too. I noticed the softness of the water on my hands when I washed them this morning. I noticed how hard my sandals felt on my feet. The car seemed to be faster and bumpier than usual and the hygienist (which was my destination) – well don’t get me started . . .!

On days like today my head seems to whir with thoughts and my heart seems to buzz with feelings. When I talk to people I want to express so much and suddenly realise the limitation of words. When I have spoken to people I think of how our conversation could have been more meaningful or how I could have been more transparent.  Nothing seems to satisfy my intense desire for connection. My husband can give my a demonstrative squeeze but seconds later that feeling has gone – blown away on the wind.

My Theory

Just as much as seeing less yellow light can cause me to feel less, my perception of seeing more yellow light can cause me to feel deep deep feeling. It could be that I perceive more yellow light or it could be that I perceive less of other frequencies such as red,  and relatively yellow seems more intense.

What Do I Do?

Firstly I accept my deep feeling self

Then I do anything that satisfies my need to feel deeply, recognising that this isn’t always easy especially if you really need to make a Waitrose order! This is why I was looking for my lists – because I wanted to engage more deeply with our family’s needs. I knew this would make me happier than just randomly shopping or shopping with a list.

And most importantly I trust that I am giving and receiving enough even though it doesn’t feel that way. I accept that the insatiable hunger for emotional connection is a sense – a feeling. My feeling of unsatisfied need today is not the truth.

The truth is that I am enough and I have enough and that my heart is the wellspring of life always. 

 

Some Days I Just Don’t Feel Much

 

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Some days I just don’t feel much. I wouldn’t say I was depressed because depression probably leads us to cut ourselves off from the world and our loved ones. I still very much connected with most of myself and the world.

But on days like this I look at my husband and think “Hmm, is this the man I married?” or I look at our home and think “Hmm, did we really paint the kitchen that colour white?” Everything seems to be questionable which makes it a terrible day for making any big decisions! It is all questionable because I just can’t feel things with my heart as I usually can.

Why is this?

Well, being a lightwatcher,  my theory is that it has to do with my perception of yellow light. On the days when I perceive less yellow light, I feel less.

What do I do About It?

Well, it gives me the opportunity to try out my capacity to trust. I have to live sort of blindly feeling-wise. I have a bath and have to trust the water is making me feel good. I eat a snack and have to trust my choice is right for that moment. I open my mouth to speak and have to trust that the ‘right’ words come out for the situation.

The hardest thing is not really ‘feeling’ my relationship with those close to me. I tend to think they are being off with me or abrupt or uncaring. However they haven’t changed. It is only me that has changed. So I have to trust their every intention to be good and have to notice their smile and the touch of their hand even if I don’t feel it.

Most of all I have to trust that I am loved. 

 

 

No Tomatoes in Late May Please!

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How the light is every day changes my taste, my desire to eat certain textures and also temperature.

At some point in May I always see a burst of more red light. As the light is quite bright I already see the medium and higher light-waves more strongly so the light can appear more balanced to me until the blue starts to dominate in June and the red drops off again.

Seeing the nice red light yesterday I thought “Yum, I can eat tomatoes today!” I looked at the tomatoes and the red appeared fine. I cut the tomatoes and put some olive oil and seasoning on as I usually do and the tomatoes didn’t appear so fine. They seemed to be jumping off the plate with energy! I gave them a good hard stare and thought “Hmm, is this energy I want in myself?” I looked at the other things on my plate – the marinaded pork and new potatoes and thought how calm they looked.  “Are they boringly calm?” I thought ” Could I spice things up a bit with the very energetic tomatoes?” “Could I blend the energies?” Well, I gave it a try – but unfortunately to my peril!!

An hour or so later I had that bloated feeling that I might get if I had yeast or too much sugar. Now I know tomatoes could have mold on them but somehow I knew it was the energy. It was not a match for me. I had no other gut symptoms but I did have a headache. I had felt similar to when the postman turns up in her orange high viz jacket. Something pulls me to look at the brightness but I know it is not a match so I hide my eyes. Well, I should have left the tomatoes in the fridge and saved myself some pain and angst but it is a long learning curve when it comes to energy and food.

As if it is not enough to have to eat by colour and texture!  Oh no – I need to eat by energy as well and especially as we approach the middle of summer when the light is at its brightest.

So what are you eating this summer? Can you see the energy of your food or can your sensitive child? Is the energy a match or is it a mismatch?