Some days I just don’t feel much. I wouldn’t say I was depressed because depression probably leads us to cut ourselves off from the world and our loved ones. I still very much connected with most of myself and the world.
But on days like this I look at my husband and think “Hmm, is this the man I married?” or I look at our home and think “Hmm, did we really paint the kitchen that colour white?” Everything seems to be questionable which makes it a terrible day for making any big decisions! It is all questionable because I just can’t feel things with my heart as I usually can.
Why is this?
Well, being a lightwatcher, my theory is that it has to do with my perception of yellow light. On the days when I perceive less yellow light, I feel less.
What do I do About It?
Well, it gives me the opportunity to try out my capacity to trust. I have to live sort of blindly feeling-wise. I have a bath and have to trust the water is making me feel good. I eat a snack and have to trust my choice is right for that moment. I open my mouth to speak and have to trust that the ‘right’ words come out for the situation.
The hardest thing is not really ‘feeling’ my relationship with those close to me. I tend to think they are being off with me or abrupt or uncaring. However they haven’t changed. It is only me that has changed. So I have to trust their every intention to be good and have to notice their smile and the touch of their hand even if I don’t feel it.
Most of all I have to trust that I am loved.