I gave up trying to complete the decoration of our home and make the perfect recipe file long ago (!) This is not the sort of ‘complete’ I am talking about.
I am talking about a more momentary feeling of something being whole. For instance yesterday I was having a hard day and I picked up my ukelele and sang with the intention of cheering myself up. I didn’t sing or strum loudly. I explored my voice and my ukelele until I found a sound, a tone that calmed and cheered me. For a moment as I experienced the blend of my voice with my ukelele just as I wanted to hear it, I felt complete.
I am coming to realise that the reason I am looking for ‘complete’ is that my world is often feeling visually fragmented. If you could borrow my eyes and disconnect them from my brain you would say “Wow, these are good, what are complaining about?!” But when you connect them to my sensitive brain the story is very different. My eyes are constantly alerting me to the fact that things are not complete – things don’t integrate, colours don’t blend.
I am also realising that I have 2 types of incomplete – separation and partial separation! Yesterday when I played my ukelele I was feeling separation and the completeness of what I created was like healing balm to me. Today my Irlen glasses are helping with my visual processing and I have moved into partial separation. My need to make complete isn’t quite so strong so playing music doesn’t feel powerful any more. But a little voice is still saying “There is something to complete.” And so I am writing this blog.
My blog is a journey about trying to complete something – trying to complete my experience of the mystery of connection and healing.