When Luca (7) wakes in the morning I ask him how he is. A few months ago he wouldn’t really answer. He would just put his head to one side and let out a sigh. This then developed into a response of ‘Not good’ or ‘OK’. The ‘OK’ though sounded like quite a doubtful ‘OK’ – more like OKaaayyy!
Sometimes now when Luca wakes he says ‘Quite good’ or a bright ‘OK’ and this is so heartening. But unfortunately with chronic fatigue you don’t just get better in nice little neat increments. You swing backwards and forwards for as long as it takes for the pendulum to stop swinging.
Today was an ‘OKaaaayyy’ response so I knew it wasn’t going to be an easy day. And it wasn’t. Luca had been so busy for the last 2 days with his new Fishertechnics set and playing very physical ‘Throw the rat into the box’ with me. Today he felt like he wanted to do those things all over again but he couldn’t. And he was cross about it. I offered to do easy things with him but he said ‘I’m not in that sort of mode, I’m in a more full-on mode’. So I felt stuck. I carried on with doing home things while Luca lay forlorn on a cushion – cross with me and cross with the fatigue.
Everything we did manage to do today didn’t feel good enough to Luca. Even when Richard and I helped him build his technics model in the afternoon he wasn’t really happy. And I could tell that he was hating the fact that he wasn’t feeling happy. So I explained that sometimes ‘OK’ is OK. OK has to be enough. When we are unwell sometimes we can only feel OK. There is no other feeling to feel. You’re still loved. And I think he got it because he cheered up after that!
Sometimes when it comes to our mood we ask the impossible of ourselves. I’m going through menopause and my mood changes every day. Sometimes I struggle to feel, sometimes I’m very upbeat and other days I am just OK.